My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
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