I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
