I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
