I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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