I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
