party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
