Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
