It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
