I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
