He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
