My liver just broke up with me...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
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