Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
