I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
