My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
