good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
