hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Randomize
