This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
