I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
