Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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