I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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