My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
