Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
