Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
