I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
