Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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