Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
