My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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