i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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