I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Can I color on your dick again?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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