one might say we're banned from that church
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
