I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
