Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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