Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just pynch a tree in the face
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
