Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
dude i'm inner monologue high
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
