Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
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I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
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Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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