I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
