If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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