I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
How external is "for external use only"?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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