Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
