Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
