My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
