Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
