woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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