There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
