You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I am spending my child support on dildos
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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