The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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