Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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