There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
