about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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