if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
