I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
