So drunk its hurt
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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