Just fell off a train. Bad.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
