A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
