making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
