My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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